Moments

Have you ever had one of those moments...a semi-sort-of wake up call?  There have been all sorts of moments throughout my life that I might classify this way, but none as big or realistic is the one I seem to be stuck in now.  I posted awhile ago about a car accident that I had been in.  & about those angels looking out for me that day.  & how lucky I felt to be here & to be blessed with such great, caring, generous people in my life. 

But you know what I didn't tell you?  The other emotions I felt.  The ones I felt weren't worthy of expression.  The ones I thought people would look down upon me for sharing.  I was thankful.  I AM thankful.  But I would be lying if I said there wasn't a few moments where I was mad.  Or angry.  Or wondering why I had to deal with a moment like that?  Hadn't I had enough?  Almost 15 months of depression, doctors, weight gain/loss, & alot of crying.  That's what I was in the middle of... & on top of that I get to lose most of my possessions & gain a few rods in my back?  It just didn't seem fair. 

I even had a moment where I was sad about the photos & ideas I had saved to my phone.  How sad. & how selfish.  I remember thinking that I had so many inspiring quotes, books, & photos saved.  Things that really were a pathway or a landmarker of sorts for the last year and a half of my life.  All gone.  I felt like a shell of a person.  A whole new one in fact.  One who felt incredibly lucky, but didn't know why. 

There have been many things that I've learned throughout my life & that experience particularly.  The most mind boggling thought I've been dealing with lately is how to find a balance of happiness in my personal life & career.  Growing up, I was extremely motivated & in order to enjoy an activity I wanted to be the best.  I thought this meant it would carry to my education & career past high school & I would be climbing the corporate ladder in no time.  Throughout a few of those college years I had moments where I really took time to realize what was important to me.  Did I need to travel to every state in the US? Did I need to marry a worldly man? Did I need to make lots of money? 

No.  Although I can't really say that these thoughts held any bearing on my actions until lately....& even now, I'm struggling.  Do you want to continue with a job that I'm not 100% passionate about everyday?  What do I WANT to do?  I can't answer that question simply & therein lies the problem.  How can I satisfy myself when I'm chasing something I'm not even aware of? 

"What do you like to do?" What could she possibly say?  That she'd like to sit in her garden all afternoon with her Jane Austen novels?  You couldn't make a living from that, could you?..."Well," she paused, "I guess something wonderful.  Something inspiring.  Something that means you're not always looking at the clock, wondering how long it is before you can go home."

That is exactly what I want as well.  I dont know what that something inspiring is yet, but I don't doubt that I will get there.  I take my car accident as a learning experience of sorts.  A chance to start over after over a year of wasted time.  A clean slate.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

XOXO,
KG

PS - Sorry for the diary post.  The thoughts were jumbled in my head & wouldnt get out, so I had to write them down.  If they don't make sense, come back tomorrow.  I'll probably be back to my cynical, sarcastic, giddy, over-the-top pukey lovey self. See you then.